thoughts

So, I've been thinking.

Last week, Jerry died.

Jerry, Amber's dad.

Jerry, Sarah's old boyfriend.

Jerry, a person I didn't like very much.



In all honesty.

I didn't.



I didn't like him because he hurt Sarah by calling off a wedding for what seemed to be very selfish reasons.

I didn't like him because he wasn't the kind of DAD I think Amber deserves.

I didn't like him because he trashed our scooter and returned it to us without even an apology for the condition it was in.

I didn't like him because he didn't seem like a person who took responsibility for his actions and seemed like he expected to be exempt from the consequences of his actions.



Maybe its inappropriate of me to even write these things down.

but

I've been thinking.



On Sarah's blog, (after Jerry had been in ICU on life support for over a week and it had been decided to let him go, she wrote):

how do you say goodbye to the person that you though you would never have to live without? how do you let that person know that you love them even though you haven't said it for years? how do explain to your child that she's never gonna get to see her daddy again?
how do you make sure she doesn't forget him?
how do you make yourself live and love again?
i know you've heard it a million times, but really do it. LIVE EACH DAY TO THE FULLEST. never stop saying i love you. kiss your kids always, even when you're mad at them. make memories and take pictures so your memories can live on forever. don't take the little things for granted, like how someone's hand feels in yours, the way they smell when you hug, the way their eyes look when they smile.
keep your friends and family close. talk to them everyday, spend time and laugh with them. make friends with your enemies. it's not worth it to hate or hold grudges. it's easier to love. don't go to bed angry with anyone. before you say goodbye to someone ask yourself, what if i never see them again?
life can change so quickly, and in an instant your whole world can fall apart leaving you with a part of your heart missing. a part that will never grow back but can be filled with the memories you made, and the hope that things will one day get better.

Even though I didn't like the guy, I didn't wish any harm on him. But that doesn't make it any better. Watching Sarah struggle with the role she is forced into at this time, especially with having to explain to Amber what has happened has made me think. I talked to Quincy about Jerry dying and explain why Sarah and Amber were sad and I tried to be sensitive yet truthful. I was amazed at how receptive she was to my explanation. How she seemed to understand the finality of it all but to accept it without question. Brandon was requested to administer a blessing to Jerry the night before life support was removed and I struggled with the request. For his own reasons which may or may not be the same as mine, I know Brandon didn't like Jerry either. I knew that if I held the priesthood and this request had been made of me I wouldn't have been able to do it. I talked to Brandon about this fact last night for just a few minutes and we both came to the conclusion that holding a grudge against Jerry was not something that should have been going on for so long (and Brandon told me he had dealt with his own feelings before he had been able to give Jerry a blessing)

Not liking Jerry didn't make me a better person. In fact, it most likely hindered any progress I would have made in understanding him.

So, I've been thinking.

I know its a little too late now, (at least until later) but. . . Jerry, please forgive me.